Strategies for Dealing with Tantrums
Blog on Strategies for Dealing with Tantrums
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The causes for a tantrum is usually based on something the child wants to have, wants to do, or does not want to do. Tantrums typically have a purpose behind them.
Some of the following strategies may help in handling a tantrum. You know your child best, but try the different ideas and suggestions to see if they do help, if they reduce the number and degree of the tantrum.
It may take several times in different situations, and consistent behavior from you, to elicit a lasting change – stay calm – you can make the difference!
So what can you do?
The following ideas and suggestions are meant as a support plan for you. Have Plan A, B, C, and D, ready to go for when you need them! If you have a plan, and plans, in your head, you may be able to remain calm (or calmer) and be able to address the tantrum more effectively.
o Stay calm and stay in control (first and foremost) If you can manage your own emotions it will help keep the situation from escalating even further
o Identify the cause – What is the tantrum about? If you know what your child is having a tantrum about, it makes it much easier to know what to do, how to handle it, and how to help your child find a better way to express themselves, especially for the next time.
o Remember that you cannot MAKE a child do something, other than just picking them up and taking them out of the situation (which is ok). You have little to no actual control over making them talk, or eat, go to the bathroom, go to sleep, or even behave the way you would like. You do have control though about how you react and respond to the tantrum and your child’s behavior. Once you “give in” to the demands they are making with their tantrum, you are literally teaching them that by throwing a tantrum they will end up getting what they are looking for.
o Acknowledge that you understand what your child wants. Tell them, “Yes, I know you want . . . .,” or “When you are ready to stop yelling, you can tell me what you want.” If they are unable to tell you, then you may have to guess it out – do they want a toy, to leave, more attention, are they tired, and so on. You can always, tell them “I know you are mad (or angry or upset – whatever words work for you) but this is not the way to behave.”
o Let your child know that you understand they are mad or upset. Let them hear that you are aware that they are not happy, or that they want something. Try to express for them why they may be upset – “It makes me upset or sad, or angry when I can’t play with my toys too,” or “when I can’t have a new toy,” or “when I have to wait in line to pay for what we are buying.”
o If you are able, just ignore the tantrum. Pay them no attention, except to make sure they are safe and not going to hurt themselves or someone else. If out in public, and you can withstand the looks, just let the tantrum play out. You can always, if able, pick them up and leave the area, screaming all the way back to the car if need be. Anyone who has had kids should be able to understand!
o Praise or thank your child for ending the tantrum early or before it really gets started. Let them know you are happy to see them acting more grown up and let them try to tell you why they are angry or upset – let them learn to use their words. Don’t just give in and let them have what they want though – they’ll learn very quickly that just starting to have a tantrum but then stopping will get them what they wanted in the first place.
o Set clear rules or expectations ahead of time. Let your child know what is going to happen, where you are going, how they need to behave. Let them know that you are not buying them a new toy that day, that they need to sit during a meal even if they do not want to eat, that you expect them to not yell or scream or throw things. Tell them the plans for what will be happening. Repeat what you expect as needed.
o As well as telling your child what you do expect, also tell them what will happen if they do have a tantrum – and then be sure you follow up your words with action. If you tell them they will have to sit in the stroller or shopping cart then they need to do that; if you tell them there will be no new toy or game and no stop for fries or a drink on the way home, then do not stop. Becoming consistent with YOUR behavior and response may be hard, but it will work!
o Offer choices – not 15 different choices, but 2 to start. If they do not want what’s on the menu, what clothes you are looking at, what shoes you are trying on, then they can have a choice – pick 1 of the 2 or none. Their choice. If they do not make a choice, but you need to order or buy something, then let them know you will be choosing for them – and if they still choose not to eat it, or wear it, or play with it, then it is THEIR choice. Deciding and making choices is a learning phase – it may be harder on you than them to stick with the plan! Learning to accept alternatives is a life skill that we all eventually need to learn.
o Show that you care but be consistent in your own reactions and behaviors. Let your child know you will listen to their feelings or what they are trying to tell you but in a calm manner – not during a tantrum.
o Can’t say it enough – Stay Calm!
o Keep your child and everyone else safe. Remove any dangerous items they could throw or hit with. Do not accept violent or dangerous behavior at any time.
o If somewhere where you can plan for a “calm spot,” you can have your child go there, sit there, lay there, wherever you think best, to calm down, be safe, and think about their behaviors. It’s not a punishment place, but a calm-down place.
o Use humor to try and diffuse the situation
o Take a time-out if possible to avoid your own emotions getting the best of you; turn away, walk away, try to ignore the tantrum and do not take it personally – it’s not about you, it’s about your child’s emotions being out of control. If they tell you they “hate you,” it is their anger or frustration talking – they really don’t – they just want something and they want it right then.
o If planning a trip out, try to have your child well-rested so that fatigue and just being “plain tired” do not play into the tantrum
o Try distractions – call their attention to look at something, to listen to something, etc.
o Use positive words. Try to avoid “no,” “stop,” “shut-up,” “you are being bad,” and try to use words like “I would like you to stop yelling,” “I want you to be quiet and stop hitting and throwing,” “would you please.” Not easy, but give it a try – changing your reaction and behavior may change the whole situation.
o Whisper. No yelling, or screaming at them. Whisper.
Can you think of other ideas that have worked for you?
Good luck! Tantrums are never a fun thing to deal with and often just wears you out emotionally, making it seem easier to just “give in” to what they want.
